I want to tell you one of my favorite breakup stories ever. It involves a very nice gentleman whom I dated for about 3 weeks, at which time I determined that we were not the most compatible match that's ever been. So one night we met up for a drink and this is what happened:
"You know, I don't think this is working for me anymore."
"What isn't?"
"Us....us dating."
"Why not?"
"Well, I just don't think we're very compatible."
"I disagree. And we've only been dating for 3 weeks - I don't think you have enough data to make this decision yet."
Yes, folks, he actually told me I didn't have enough data to break up with him.
(With look of shock on face) "Well....um, I think I do, I guess."
"But three weeks isn't very long. I think you should give it 2 more weeks."
(more shock)
"I mean, when you say we're not compatible, what do you mean? Can you give me an example?"
"......Sure. Okay, well for one, you don't believe in premarital sex, whereas I am a dirty, dirty whore."
At this point, I'm thinking I'm pretty funny. I mean, it's true that he didn't believe in premarital sex, but I thought it was hilarious that I referred to myself as a "dirty, dirty whore", and I meant it jokingly, despite what you all might think of me. My sarcasm was met with this:
(concerned look, furrowed brow) "Misti, don't say that about yourself!"
And this, my friends, was the real problem. He didn't get my sense of humor. And if you don't get my sense of humor, then you really don't get ME. Humor is all I have. It's true: my IQ is very, very low; I was voted "Teacher's Pet" in high school; and I drink at least 5 nights a week. Without my sarcastic humor, I am just a dumb, drunk, ass-kisser, you know?
At any rate, what do you say when someone tells you you don't have enough DATA to break up with him? WHAT DO YOU SAY? I really had no idea. So I didn't break up with him. What was I supposed to do? I was in shock, when it comes down to it. So he walked me to my car and before saying goodbye, he said: "You know, if it's about the no sex before marriage thing, I might be willing to re-think that."
Whuh? I don't want to sex you, I want to break up with you. I totally see how that could be confusing.
Anyway, that was probably the strangest breakup I had. It took me two more times to get the job done - no kidding.
2 comments:
You let him talk you out of breaking up with you- hilarious. HAHAHAHAHA
When I was a young Pete, I decided that I was going to break up with this chick that I'd been dating for a couple of months. So, one night I gave her the speech. I was as kind and considerate as I could be.
And then she started crying. And crying. She lost it completely. After about twenty minutes, I said, "Screw it. Let's give it another try." She was happy.
Two nights later, she gave me the EXACT same speech. It was as if she didn't remember me doing it at all. I got the hell out of there quickly.
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